Natalie, Yorkshire, England
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
Lilly L - 11, Apex, NC
One day a man was reading his newspaper when a snail knocked on his door to sell girl scout cookies.
The man was angry that the snail had disturbed his peace and kicked him into the bushes.
Ten years later the man heard another knock on his door.
He opened it to find the same snail there, clutching the same bag of cookies,
and the snail said,"How rude!"
A lady was driving her car to Disney Land until she saw a sign that said,
"Disneyland: Left".
So she turned around and went back home!!
Heather Thomas, 15 - North
Carolina
One day the devil came to heaven to settle things with Jesus once and for all.
He challenged Jesus to a competion on the computer with God as the judge of
who would win. The first thing they had to do was create a database. Then they
made a spreadsheet. Both Jesus and the devil did these perfectly and finished
at the exact same time. The last thing they had to do to decide the winner,
was to write a one page paper on why they thought they should be the winner.
God would reveiw them and decide the winner. Just then they lost power. When
it came back on Jesus showed God all of his work while the devil frantically
tried to get his. God declared Jesus the winner, and when the devil asked why,
God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."
pidbiz, Centerville, IN
Two potatoes, Sweet Potato and Mash had beautiful baby and named her Tater
Tot. She grew up and wanted to marry Dick Vitale. Mash and Sweet Potato
were very upset that Tater Tot wanted to marry Dick Vitale! Tater Tot said,
"But why don't you want me to marry him?" Her father replied,
"Dick Vitale! You can't marry him! He's just a Common Tater!"
(commentator)
pidbiz Centerville, IN
USA
A little girl was very excited at church because it was time for the hymns.
She said, I sure hope they sing the song about the bear. Confused, her Mother
said, "Bear? Which hymn is about a bear?" "You know",
replied the girl, "Gladly, the cross-eyed bear!" (Gladly, The Cross
I'd Bear... get it?)
Gaddiel Olumuyiwa Ogunbanjo, 11
- Lagos, Nigeria
A man ordered for 500 turkeys for sale at Christmas. His sales dwindled and he
was afraid he might not be able to sell them all out. He therefore sent word
to his distributor to cut his order by half. The distributor then sent him 500
turkeys all cut in halves.
Did you hear the one about the
cock-roach pudding?
"NEVER MIND YOU WOULD NEVER SWALLOW IT"!
Did you you hear the one about the
town dump?
" ITS A LOT OF GARBAGE"!
A teacher asked his student to name
four seasons.
The student replied, "Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Spice."
Mustafa Ali, 12 -
Islamabad, Pakistan
An interviewer
interviewed God.
Interviewer: What are a billion years to you?
God: A split second.
Interviewer: What are a billion dollars for you?
God: Just a penny.
Interviewer: Well, then can you give me a penny?
God: Sure, just wait a second!
Justin boney
sanbernidino, CA
There were three kids doing a science experiment they had 3 choices: a bee, a
bird or fish, on of the kids said, "il take a bird, the other said, "ill take a
fish, so there was 1 more kid and 1 more choice the teacher said to the last kid: knock,
knock who's there wannabe wannabe who? wanna bee for your experiment?
Mustafa, 12 - Pakistan
This joke I've got here happened in real a few days ago
in my science class:
The teacher said: Did you know that the most intelligent mammal on earth
Man?
My friend Ammar said: Yes, the most intelligent mammals on earth are
"men", he fixed his school tie and continued, not "women".
A blind man walk's into a store and
starts swinging his seeing eye dog by his leash.
A clerk askes what he is doing.
The blind man sez,"Oh,I was just "LOOKIN' AROUND"!!!!"
THE
BARBER
After twenty years of
shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He
told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his
hat and coat and went to the barber shop which was owned by the pastor of the town Baptist
Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working, so she performed the task
Grace shaved him and
sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20."
The man thought the
price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man
looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber
shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the
man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace
of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber
shop.
"I thought $20 was
high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great
job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
The expression on her
face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by
Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
Nathan, Ft. Myers FL age 11
These two priest were driving down the road when they accidentally ran over a rabbit. They
stopped and got out, the poor bunny was dead as dead. The driver priest took out a small
bottle of "Holy Water" and sprinkled it over the bunny. The rabbit got right up
and started to hop across the road, stopped and turned around, and waved at the men. It
hopped a little more, turned , and waved agin. It continued to do this , until it was out
of sight. The passenger priest turned to the driver priest and asked "What was that in
the bottle?" The driver priest said, looking at the label, "It says 'hair
restorer with a permanant wave' "
Mustafa Ali, 12 - Islamabad
Pakistan
Once there was a race between a cabbage head, a tomato and a water hose.
The race started. When they were halfway, this was the status: The cabbage was ahead. The hose was still running and the tomato was trying to catch
up (ketchup).
Chelsea Saner, 10 - Ohio
Once there were these two brothers and they always got involed with trouble. So,
their parents decided to take them to a program at church. The younger brother was
supossed to talk with the priest, and when he went up to the priest the priest askede him
"Where is God?" the younger brother did not answer so the priest said again
"Where is God?" the younger brother did not answer the preist asked him again
and then the younger brother ran home crying to his older brother " God is missing
and the priest thinks we took him."
David Gunn Redding, CA
One day, Billy saw a sign in the window of a candy shop. It said, "If anybody can
impress the clerk he can get a free candy bar." Billy went in, took out a hamster and
a tiny piano, snapped his fingers once, and the hamster started playing the piano! When he
saw the clerk was not amused, he took out a frog, snapped his fingers twice, and the frog
danced and sang to the music. After receiving his free candy bar, Billy sold the frog to
an eager child for $10.00. When the clerk asked, "Billy why did you just sell that
frog, he's worth a fortune," Billy replied, "The hamster is a
ventriloquist."
Joseph Wahba
There is a man running home. He sees a masked man, he looks in that man's hands he
quickly turns around and runs the other way.
What is happening????
Answer: HE IS PLAYING BASEBALL
Marty Carey, 10 - Fort Wayne
There was a horse that when you say, "Amen" it will stop and when you say
"Praise
the Lord" it will gallop. When a preacher bought the horse he had trouble getting on
it, so when he finally got in the saddle he said, "Praise the Lord!" -- and the
horse started to gallop. The problem was it was heading straight for a cliff!
The preacher started to pray and when he was done he said, "Amen!"
so the horse stoped at the top off the cliff. Then the preacher said, "Praise the
Lord"
so the horse went off the cliff
Robert Jansen - via Prodigy
One day a person called a psychic hot line. After all the questions the
lady said I see Three Hundred dollars in your future. A week later, he
got a bill from the psychic hot line for $300.00.
An alien landed on Earth and the first
thing he saw was a bird.
Alien: "Bird, can you tell me where the closest hotel is?"
Bird: "Cheep, cheep!"
Alien: "It better be! It cost me a fortune getting here!"
Hannah, 11 - Illinois
Teacher: Mike, come find the United States on the map.
Mike: Yes, Teacher. (He finds it.)
Teacher: Very good. Now, class, do you know who discovered the United States?
Class: Mike did!
Brett King Stover 11
Blountville, TN
Customer: Waiter!! What's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: looks like the backstroke to me
Randall and Jen age:12 and 9
There were 3 tomatoes. Papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato.
One day they took a walk and baby tomato started to lag behind.
So the papa tomato walked back to baby tomato,
squeezed baby tomato and said "Catch up!" (ketchup):')
One day, a man was filling up his
gas tank and didn't realize some gas
dripped on his sleeve. While he was driving, he took a cigar, lighted it
and started smoking it. Later, some of the hot ashes from the cigar fell
on his sleeve. It caught fire and he stuck his arm out the window. He was
pointing at something for some odd reason. A cop made him pull over, put
out the fire and gave the man a ticket for pointing a firearm.
Anna,8,3rd, Cleveland, OH, U.S.
There was a man and he was in his house and it had no windows or doors.
He just had a ball and a bat. How did he get out?
With the bat, he swung three times at the ball and missed each time
so... "Three strikes and he was out!"
Rachael Manoula, 10 , Hayward,
California, U.S.A.
Mr. X: Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dumpling!!!!!
Doctor, Don't get into such a stew!
L. P., Ohio
There was these two boys named Shut-Up and Trouble.
One day Shut-up was out looking for Trouble, and a cop pulled up and asked Shut-up what
his name was. Shut-up answered, "Shut-up".
The cop asked again and he said, "Shut-up".
Finally the cop said, "Are you looking for trouble?", and Shut-up said,
"Yes!"
Amanda Adkins, 10
- Huntington, West Virginia
THE ATHIEST
An atheist was
taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of
evolution" had created.
"What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said
to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a seven foot
grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the
path.
He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run
even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked
over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster,but he tripped and
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear
right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he
cried out "Oh my God!"
Just then, time
stopped. The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped
moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the
sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years; teach others
I don't exist; even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and
said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian
after all these years, but could you make the bear a
Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
As the light went
out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put
his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head
and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to
receive".
